Our electricity has been disconnected.

I handwrite column this by the light of a candle, shrouded in a blanket, warming myself with vodka rescued from a rapidly thawing freezer. When the time comes to file, I shall snare a pigeon, tie this piece of paper to its ankle and hope for the best. If you are reading, praise be, it has worked. If not, then I am writing into the abyss, and oh Lord, I tried to pay my electricity bill, I really tried…!

OK, so I actually sit in the warm refuge of my parents’ house in Enfield, typing on a perfectly serviceable home computer. But the fact remains that for the last week, my flat has been deprived of electricity, my food has rotted in the fridge and heat, light and entertainment are at a premium.

I was alerted to the problem by my landlord on Wednesday afternoon – a man from EDF Energy entered our hallway when I was at work, let in by my neighbour, and disabled our supply.

“But we get our electricity from British Gas!” I thought. At any rate, British Gas have no problem direct debiting my account for electricity each month, just as N-Power, who I always thought were an electricity company, take money for the gas. This is the beauty of privatisation – it keeps things simple, so that idiots like me can understand them.
I rushed home to find our supply had indeed been disconnected. I had in fact been paying the neighbour’s bill for the last three years, whileno one had been paying mine. My wife happened to be away for the week, and as I wearily, shiveringly picked up the phone to harangue the utility companies by candlelight, it is fair to say I felt in need of some comfort.

Happily, this was provided by EDF’s call waiting music - I Am the Walrus by the Beatles. Somehow the line “I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob” caught the situation perfectly.

Finally I encountered a human voice, who was very sorry for the mix up but informed me that the soonest I could be reconnected was Monday – five days’ time. Oh, and I also owed them the money I had been paying to British Gas for all these years.

So I called British Gas. “Hello”, I said, “I believe you owe me about 800 quid”.

Having been told to expect a call back from the accounts department, my phone is yet to ring, five days later.

Will I get the money back? What if I had a baby and my parents didn’t happen to live nearby? Will the lights come on again? Is this what it will be like for us all when the credit crunch really hits home?

Goo goo g’joob would appear to be the only sensible answer.